Joke of the day.

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
[quote name='Pameliseada' timestamp='1311706901' post='161397']

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[/quote]



Polish Spammer, Scat!
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."



So I said "Come in and sit down."



I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"



He said, "Beats the **** out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
 

ttammunek04

New Member
A cute little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny little creatures; in her hand, she held a sign that announced "FREE KITTENS".



Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm president Obama, What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens" little Suzy replied. "How old are they?" asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats" answered Suzy with a smile.



Obama was delighted, as soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return on the next day, and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.



So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS", when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and FOX NEWS. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.



"Hello again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all of my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said "They're Republicans." Taken by the surprise, the president stammered, "But....but.... yesterday, you told me they were Democrats."



Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today they have their eyes open."
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
[quote name='honeykeeper' timestamp='1311901666' post='161427']

Did she say it's getting nipply out?...
.....


[/quote]



Damn if I know as I couldn't understand a single word. What language was she speaking?
 

BuenasNalgas

New Member
Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."



"What is it" asks Peter.



"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."

...

"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."

I know, I know, too soon but funny.
 

Homer

New Member
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.



A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.



A few days go by and he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:



Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.



Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.
 
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honeykeeper

New Member
ADIRONPETE'S INVESTMENT ADVICE



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,

you would have $49.00 today!



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG two years ago,

you would have $33.00 today.



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers three years ago,

you would have $0.00 today.



But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all

the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,

you would have received $214.00.



Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink

heavily & recycle.



It is called the 401-K(eg)



And as a bonus...



A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a

year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of

alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41

miles to the gallon!



Makes you damned proud to be an American! <img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/023.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt023' />

 

BLWedge09

Administrator
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"



That's Direct Marketing.





You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

"He's very rich. Marry him."



That's Advertising.





You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."



That's Telemarketing.





You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour

her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,

offer her a ride, and then say,

"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"



That's Public Relations.





You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."



That's Brand Recognition.





You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.



That's Customer Feedback!!!!
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
A California Love Story











A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.



As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"



I told you it was a California Love Story
 
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honeykeeper

New Member
 " Morning Sex "





 She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

 soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

 wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

 As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said 

softly,

 "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



 My eyes lit up, and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or

 this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the 

moment,

 I embraced her and then gave it my all - right there on the 

kitchen table.



 Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 

T-shirt still around her neck.



 Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all 

about?"

 She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
[quote name='honeykeeper' timestamp='1328372013' post='162239']

" Morning Sex "





She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up, and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or

this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the

moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all - right there on the

kitchen table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her

T-shirt still around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all

about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[/quote]



That's a good one Keeper and as fast as a egg timer is more than enough time. My philosophy is, Git 'er Done!!!!! <img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/101.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt101' />
 

BigDanT

New Member
A guy walks into his Dr. He has a carrot sticking out of each nostril, and a carrot sticking out of each of his ears. He says "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel terrible". The Dr. says, "Well, just by looking at you, I can tell you're not eating right".
 
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