Joke of the day.

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
The Gay Cowboy



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.





Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.





She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.





The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.





For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.





Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.





One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.



Two o'clock and no hired hand.





Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.





She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.









Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."









He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."







He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.







"Now take off my skirt."



He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.









"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.





















Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 

DClights

New Member
HAHAHAHA thats a good one MC I laughed at first I thought this was going to have to do with brokeback mountain hahaha
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
How The Wheel Was Invented To Go Get Beer



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.



The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:



1. Liberals and

2. Conservatives



Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.



Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer and smoking cigars. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.



Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.



Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.



Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.



Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.



Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer ! white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.



Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.



Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.



Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.



Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw



a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,



"What are you doing?"



"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.



While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to



miss an opportunity, he asked "Well, before you jump,



why don't you give me a kiss?"



So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.



After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the



best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.



You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
 

honeykeeper

New Member
[quote name='mcginkleschmidt' timestamp='1301424782' post='160380']



Change My AZZ!
[/quote]



It's not my turn but here's the "how-to" instructions should anyone need them......




[font="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"]

How to Change an Adult's Diaper

[font="sans-serif, Helvetica, sans-serif"]Bladder control problems can cause an adult to wear an incontinence product such as an adult diaper. Often the patient is bedridden and needs assistance to change the garment once it is soiled. Here's how to change an adult's diaper. [font="sans-serif, Helvetica, sans-serif"][font="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"]Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

    • 1Chose a properly-sized adult diaper. There should be adequate room to close the diaper easily at the waist.



      [*]2Unfasten the wet diaper on both sides.



      [*]3Roll the patient gently to one side. Fold the diaper inward from the outside edge so the wetness is on the inside.



      [*]4Roll the patient to the other side over the folded diaper as far as possible and gently pull the diaper out. If it does not come out easily, tuck as much diaper under him as possible and roll him again to the opposite side and then pull the diaper through from that side.



      [*]5Use baby wipes or soap and water to thoroughly clean the diaper area. Dry well and use powder or lotion to protect the skin.



      [*]6Roll the patient as far as possible to one side and slip a new diaper as far under him as possible, bunching half of the diaper against the patient.



      [*]7Roll the patient gently back over the bunched-up part of the diaper and pull the diaper through. Be sure it is even on both sides, then fasten the diaper securely.





Tips & Warnings

  • Change an adult's diaper as soon as possible after being wet or soiled.[*] Wash and dry diaper area well at each diaper change. Apply lotion or powder. Treat adult diaper rash promptly.
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
[quote name='honeykeeper' timestamp='1301444296' post='160387']

It's not my turn but here's the "how-to" instructions should anyone need them......




[font="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"]

How to Change an Adult's Diaper

[font="sans-serif, Helvetica, sans-serif"]Bladder control problems can cause an adult to wear an incontinence product such as an adult diaper. Often the patient is bedridden and needs assistance to change the garment once it is soiled. Here's how to change an adult's diaper. [font="sans-serif, Helvetica, sans-serif"][font="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"]Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

    • 1Chose a properly-sized adult diaper. There should be adequate room to close the diaper easily at the waist.



      [*]2Unfasten the wet diaper on both sides.



      [*]3Roll the patient gently to one side. Fold the diaper inward from the outside edge so the wetness is on the inside.



      [*]4Roll the patient to the other side over the folded diaper as far as possible and gently pull the diaper out. If it does not come out easily, tuck as much diaper under him as possible and roll him again to the opposite side and then pull the diaper through from that side.



      [*]5Use baby wipes or soap and water to thoroughly clean the diaper area. Dry well and use powder or lotion to protect the skin.



      [*]6Roll the patient as far as possible to one side and slip a new diaper as far under him as possible, bunching half of the diaper against the patient.



      [*]7Roll the patient gently back over the bunched-up part of the diaper and pull the diaper through. Be sure it is even on both sides, then fasten the diaper securely.





Tips & Warnings

  • Change an adult's diaper as soon as possible after being wet or soiled.[*] Wash and dry diaper area well at each diaper change. Apply lotion or powder. Treat adult diaper rash promptly.


[/quote]



Keeper, you are a commodian (chithouse comic)! <img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/003.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt003' /> <img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/003.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt003' />
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
The Dot



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,

but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether

he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab,

or a motel in the United States.



If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."



She asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"



He replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
 

Homer

New Member
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over

at him and asks the question....



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "s**t."



<img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/014.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt003' /> <img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/021.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt003' />
 

honeykeeper

New Member
Computer versus Car.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way​
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.​


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the​
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,





'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would

all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'





In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:





If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars

with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):





1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.





2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a

new car.





3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would

have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the

car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some

reason you would simply accept this.





4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car

to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall

the engine.





5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five

times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent

of the roads.





6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning

light.





I love the next one!!!





7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.





8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and

refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned

the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.





9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to

drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same

manner as the old car.





10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.





PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer

service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language

how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 
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mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
The Newfie & The Gorilla



A small zoo in Toronto obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.



Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Garge, a Newfoundland part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.



Garge, like most newfs, liked to drink Screech but also possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Garge was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Garge showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions.



1. "First", Garge said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



3. "Third", Garge said, "I want all the children raised Catholic." Once again it was agreed.



4. "Fourth", Garge said "I needs a 40 ouncer of Screech, before I starts" Happily, the keeper said yes.



5. And last of all, Garge stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."







Where is TitanCanuck When You Need Him?
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
A Jewish Beach Story



A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida.



She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.



Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"



"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.



"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.



"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.



"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked



"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.



Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pu$$y cats?"



With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.



When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted??



The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 

honeykeeper

New Member
When a male can't stand it anymore!

[font="Helvetica, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"]

Priceless shot!







A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.







 

Attachments

BuenasNalgas

New Member
So How Does One Kill Lady GaGa???









***Poke Her Face***



ROFLMAO!!!!









This is actually a joke that a buddies daughter told him.......
 

honeykeeper

New Member
Woman - A Chemical Analysis



Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.


Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower

concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal

fluctuations.



Physical Properties :

a) Surface usually covered with painted film.

b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

c) Melts if given special treatment.

d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.



Chemical Properties :

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.

b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in

alcohol to a certain point.

e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.



Uses :

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.



Tests :

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.



Caution :

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

b) Illegal to possess more than one.







 
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