Joke of the day.

Homer

New Member
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...



He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.....'



Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'



St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'



Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....



The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.



A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'



'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'



'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '



'Never,' said Bob.



'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'



Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion

as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,

and heard his wife yell.....











'BOB, wake up! You've sh*t the bed!'
 

krh2

Administrator
Deer Camp....

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.





The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."



<img src='http://www.titanspot.com/Titan/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/003.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':smt003' />
 

BuenasNalgas

New Member
The Colorado highway patrol is cracking down on speeders. For the first offense, they give you two Denver Bronco tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.



Q. What do you call 47 millionaires watching the Super Bowl
on TV?

A. The Denver Broncos




Q
. How do you keep a Denver Bronco out of your yard?

A. Draw a goal line on the ground at the edge of your property.




Q. What do you call a Denver Bronco with a Super Bowl ring?

A. Old




Q. What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a dollar bill?

A. You can still
get four good quarters out of a dollar bill.



Q. What do the Broncos and a possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
.

 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”



The Princess said “NO!”



And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,

and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,

and dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch

and had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up .



The end
 

krh2

Administrator
[quote name='mcginkleschmidt' timestamp='1293423102' post='159400']

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”



The Princess said “NO!”



And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,

and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,

and dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch

and had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up .



The end


[/quote]



How true!
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
Some Things You Just Can't Explain







A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.



A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this

beautiful day getting drunk?



"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."



"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.



The farmer then decides to try and answer, "Well if you must know, today I was

gitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took



her left leg and kicked it over."



That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"



The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."



"Try me" the man says.



The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on

the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I

got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."



"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."



The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."



"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.



"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and

continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid

cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."



"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here

getting all depressed."



The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."



"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "



Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the

rafter.



That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.



"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."
 

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
On the last day of school before Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.



The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.



The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.



Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.



She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?







"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"
 

honeykeeper

New Member
just got off the phone with a friend in northern Minnesota

he said that since early morning, snow has been falling heavily and it's nearly waist high

the temperature is dropping below zero, north winds are increasing and his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window

says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in
 
Last edited by a moderator:

honeykeeper

New Member
just got off the phone with a friend in northern Minnesota

he said that since early morning, snow has been falling heavily and it's nearly waist high

the temperature is dropping below zero, north winds are increasing and his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window

says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in
 

honeykeeper

New Member










A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.













"Where's Henry?" the others asked.













"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.













"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.













"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



 
Last edited by a moderator:

honeykeeper

New Member


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.





"Where's Henry?" the others asked.



"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.



"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.



"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"




 

honeykeeper

New Member






The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:




  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.[*]Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.[*]Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.[*]Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.[*]Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.[*]Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.[*]Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.[*]Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.[*]Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.[*]Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)[*]Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.[*]Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.[*]Glibido: All talk and no action.[*]Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.[*]Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.[*]Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.[*]Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:





  1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.[*]Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.[*]Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.[*]Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.[*]Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.[*]Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.[*]Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.[*]Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.[*]Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.[*]Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.[*]Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.[*]Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.[*]Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.[*]Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. [*]Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.[*]Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

mcginkleschmidt

Active Member
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Columbia, and they see a sign on a store which reads,



"Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "



Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Hartwell,



sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent,



they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow South Carolina drawl



so's they don't know we's from Georgia."



They go in and Bubba says with his best fake South Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,



100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.



I'll back up my pickup and..."







The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Georgia, ain't ya?"



"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba..."How come you knowed that?"



"Because this is a dry cleaners"
 

BuenasNalgas

New Member
So Why Don't Blondes Ever Make "Ice Cubes"?



































Because They Can Never Remember "The Recipe"............................ROFLMWAO!!!
 
Top