The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.[*]Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.[*]Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.[*]Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.[*]Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.[*]Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.[*]Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.[*]Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.[*]Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.[*]Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)[*]Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.[*]Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.[*]Glibido: All talk and no action.[*]Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.[*]Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.[*]Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.[*]Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.And the winners are:
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.[*]Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.[*]Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.[*]Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.[*]Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.[*]Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.[*]Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.[*]Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.[*]Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.[*]Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.[*]Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.[*]Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.[*]Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.[*]Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. [*]Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.[*]Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.